I cannot believe that I have not blogged in over a month. This is something that I truly love doing. Even if it isn't the best, most creative writing in the world; writing helps me organize my thoughts and emotions. It's an avenue to relieve stress for my hyperactive wired scheduled life. And really, I have so much to say to the world. It's almost one in the morning and I find myself fighting off weariness (maybe from two weeks of less than 6 hours of sleep a night) to log on to my blog to express myself. This will not be the wittiest or most interesting post I've ever written. Although, this post is something that I've needed for a long time. This post is what I've been dreading, but also looking forward to. Because with my public claim comes responsibility. A responsibility that I think I've put off too long.
I've had a rough month. Rough academically. Rough mentally. I've discovered the beast of medical education. The enormity of the stress and deadlines. After a discouraging presentation from a doctor on the University of Oklahoma's medical school admissions board, I was mentally left with a reoccurring question that has robbed me of my sanity the last several weeks, "Do I really know what I'm getting into"? Am I really smart enough for this? Growing up our parents and teachers tell us that we can become whatever we want to be. Thus our childhood dreams are constructed to be the first woman president of the United States. Or to be a fighter pilot. Or to play professional baseball. They never trained us for the harsh reality that at some point in walking out our dream we will have to face our biggest fears. They never prepared us for the crossroads in our lives when a grown man would stare you in the eyes and tell you, "You're probably not smart enough be a doctor". It's a tough thing to deal with. And the mental anguish has had repercussions in other areas in my life.
I've avoided trying my best in my classes. I've let my discouragement get the best of me. I've looked for any and every opportunity to avoid making my ultimate decision if I want to continue down this path. I've coward away from the ultimatum because essentially, I am scared. It's scary to step out not knowing if you're guaranteed safety. It's terrifying to make this big of a commitment in the face of doubt. Some days I wish that I could just wake up and be a doctor without the many years of hard work and commitment. Unfortunately, life never works that way.
Ironically, I learned the most this week from one of the things that I've used to distract me from making my decision. I've started watching (mildly obsessing over) the television show "[Scrubs]". I subscribed to Netflix so that I could have access to every episode of [Scrubs] in all the seasons sent to my house. Yes, it is a little loony. I could sit and watch 7-8 episodes a day dispite the need to be studying. I've used it as a distraction from school and I've known it all along. I know that it seems silly that I'm talking about having a favorite TV show, but a certain episode has helped me more than I could express. I am going to work hard. I am going to get serious. Even if I face rejection down the road for my educational inadequacies, I will know confidently that I tried my best. Always remember, "Nothing worth having comes easy".
**Warning: One use of foul language at the 16 second mark**
